Hiatus

I think I'm supposed to post this type of message BEFORE taking a break. Whoops. Sorry about that.

Summer has been busy, productive, and enjoyable. I haven't gone sailing yet, though. Logistics and scheduling have combined to keep me off the water. I'm hoping to resolve this VERY SERIOUS ISSUE by the coming weekend. Wish me luck!

Oh, and I'll be resuming posting here, soon.

Hope your summer is going well.

Conflict

What should one do when faced with conflicting actions/requests/feelings about honoring a request to remain out of touch with someone who requested space and time to deal with some personal stuff? The request was unambiguous; yet, I'm genuinely struggling with honoring it at times, for reasons that must be left unsaid. Wish I could provide more details, but as with my recent posts, I can't.

My thoughts resent their imprisonment.

Rudderlessly Navigating a Bad Situation

It's been an interesting week. I received an email and a phone call that I can safely say that most people will never receive in their lives. The matter is personal, so I'm not going to go into details about it. Suffice it to say that there are times when people can let their strong emotions override their natural sense of caution, and the results can be painful, even if there was no intention to cause any hurt.

The worst part of this situation is that I can't do anything to change the situation in the present. I am adrift on the ocean with a broken rudder and no radio, though I have a few empty bottles and some scraps of paper. All I can do is wait to see where the currents will take me, periodically toss some bottled messages into the sea, and hope that I reach my uncertain destination without encountering too many more squalls.

For what it's worth, I don't regret getting on the boat, and I am not afraid of the unwritten future. I do wish that I hadn't hurt anyone along the way. Lesson learned.

Update:

What I find most frustrating about this predicament is that I can't disclose any of the details about it unless I disclose all of them. The story only makes sense when read in its entirety, particularly with regard to the chronology of events. And I'm not willing to openly write about any of it yet, because it's not right for me to make that call on my own.

So, for now, and for the indeterminate future, I am stuck in the Snidely Whiplash role. I can deal with that; I know it's not true, and I'd rather appear to be the villain than disclose anything without consent from someone about whom I care deeply.

Update 2:

I've been thinking about the event that provoked this post. I'm now having an internal debate about whether or not empathizing with someone who is feeling hurt about a situation where this person's behavior is a major causative factor, enables them to escape any acceptance of responsibility for their actions. I'm a decent person, flaws and all, and my natural response is to apologize for any perceived role I play in another person's emotional pain. Yet, I find myself wondering if that was the right thing to do. When in doubt, I prefer to err on the side of empathy, but in this case, I am not sure if it was the best thing to do.

Said another way, some of my recent actions, despite not being directed in any way at the person in question, could be legitimately viewed as callous and hurtful to them. However, that person bears most of the responsibility for being in a position where my actions would have any reason to exist. For example: What if I were to see someone holding a cup of hot coffee while excitedly gesticulating their hands and arms in a crowded room? If I then observed that they were about to carelessly spill their coffee on a person next to them, and I were to abruptly pull the potential victim out of the way, I could end up hurting the coffee drinker. I would be sorry about causing them pain, but that would not give them an excuse for putting the person next to them at risk for being burned. If they had been more careful and aware of their actions while holding that cup of coffee, I wouldn't have gotten involved.

I know this sounds like I am trying to avoid owning up to my role in the mess that led to my writing this post, but I assure you that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm seriously pondering whether or not there are some things where an apology is unwarranted, or even harmful. That statement feels inherently wrong to me, but it seems to have some validity in certain situations. Hence, my internal debate.

I'm a bad Blog Owner

I know I should be taking better care of this nice blog, but life continues to be busy. Actually, this past week, the issue has been more about being sick AND being busy. The two are not a winning combo for writing anything interesting. Thinking positively, although I haven't been able to put words onto pages, I have been able to process a lot of writing topics in my mind (mainly on the train to/from work), so I am hoping to get a few hours of writing done in the near future. Near may not mean what either you or I would like it to mean, but I am trying. There is much to say.

In other news, I've always loved the color red, and recently gained yet another reason to which I can point when someone asks me why I like it so much. Red remains beautiful, vibrant, flashy, and energetic; that won't change. However, red is now a color that will remind me of thoughts voiced through richly written words to which I cannot currently respond.

Voiceless, I shall now head outside to enjoy the perfect spring afternoon. I hope you are enjoying it, wherever you are.

Gray Day Inside with a Cold

Bleah. I'm stuck inside today, on day number two of a cold. At least it's not a nice day outside; if it were sunny, I'd feel like the day was wasted somehow, especially when it comes to the items on my to-do list that are weather-dependent. Then again, gray, damp, cool days are wonderful for walking in the woods.

I love the muted sounds of the forest in the rain. It seems quieter overall, but there are so many different subtle water sounds to experience. Drips, whispers, gurgles, and splashes fill the air with the gentle tension between inherently dissonant tones that somehow blend to form a relaxing, celebratory symphony of water.

Dinner!

Here's the attractive part of dinner tonight; the fish doesn't feel like posing. Anyway, it's arugula, roasted beets, goat cheese, and pine nuts. Dressing is a store-bought poppy seed dressing that magically tastes good on almost anything. I need to figure out how to make something like it from scratch, but until then, this is a favorite.

Mmm. Liberal salad. Time to munch!

(Note to self: Need a better camera phone; how, exactly, is half of the salad in focus?)

A Letter

I'm back from my Arizona trip (more on that later), so I stopped by the Post Office to pick up my mail. In my box, I found a letter that left me speechless and full of a melancholy mix of feelings ranging from happiness to relief to longing. I'll be writing extensively about its contents and how they are affecting me, but for now, I will say this: If I ever have to abandon my home on short notice for some reason, this letter will be in my hands as I go out the door. It's that good.

Unexpected Message

I just received a message from a close friend. What surprised me is that it was delivered by proxy via a mutual friend of ours. Given the situation, I'm not entirely surprised about the method or the content, but it was unexpected. Unfortunately, it is now in my mind taking up space that should be used to enjoy the short vacation that starts when I finish this posting.

Wish I could write more about this topic, but I can't. There are things I just have to accept in the now, even as I hope for a different outcome in the future.

Brilliant Article about the Debacle Known as Confederate History Month

Read this piece by Ta-Nehisi Coates, who is one of only two or three writers still worth reading at the wretched publication that calls itself The Atlantic. Nothing I could say could add to the impact of what I felt when I read it. The picture at the top of the article is remarkable, as well.

(h/t: Dennis G.'s posting @ Balloon-Juice)

A Great Ending to a Down Week

Woke up this morning to a dark, dreary, and rainy "Spring" morning. Was expecting the lousy week to continue, especially after figuring out that I owe a whole bunch of hundreds of dollars on my taxes (it's good; I don't mind paying them, but ouch). However, on the train into the city, I decided to be open-minded about the possibilities. After all, any Friday is usually a good day, so who knew what could happen?

After one large delicious cup of coffee, the morning was already starting to look up. My third product demo at work was ready to go with only a minor tweak to make it pretty damned good. I figured out the LDAP problem that's been bugging me all week (failed post-install script...argh...should have written the installer myself), and think I have a solution. The demo went well. I caught up on some of my backlog. Throughout the day, I cheered as I watched a series of updates about how President Obama's administration went to town on the banksters. But, best of all, someone very special to me told me about some joyous news she received.

And then, Friday's work was done, and I was on the train home, listening to some great indie rock on my iPod with a smile on my face. Good stuff, indeed. What could be better?

Oh, I don't know. How about another perfect panini and a cold Fisherman's Bavarian Wheat?

Yeah. Life is grand. Hope your Friday was a good one, too.

Balloon-Juice Commentors Savage the Snowbilly Grifter

Love Balloon-Juice; it's my favorite blog. No offense to my own little space here, mind you, but it'll be a while before it can keep up with its level of snarky brilliance. This post's comments, as with most postings on B-J, are well worth the read. However, comments 41, 43, 45, and 46 are excellent, and worthy of being called out.

I mean, how can you not love this comment?

I’ve invited Sarah Palin to send me a 1000 word explanation

Do you seriously want to wade into that linguistic killing field?

Perfection!

Mmm...Pressed Sammich!

I'm waiting for a nice sammich to finish heating up on my panini press/griddle (definitely in the top ten list of favorite presents). Today's deliciousness is a smoked turkey and cheddar on whole wheat, with a nice bonus of thin gala apple slices that I browned on the press before putting them in the sammich.

I know this isn't profound, but I never cease to be amazed at how pressing almost any sammich turns it into something sublime. Discuss.

Update: Went with triangles (2), but I'm agnostic about that sort of thing. And I always eat my crusts.

Tuesday Evening Repair

It's been a while. I'll see what I can do about writing more often, even if it's nothing big.

Spent an hour this evening fixing the drawer in my kitchen island, and was surprisingly satisfied when my fix worked as planned. I say this because repairs are a mixed bag when it comes to how I feel when they're finished. Some of them (car repairs, for one) can be so messy, expensive, and annoyingly drawn-out in scope that I mainly feel relief when they're finished. Think about how you feel when you've just collapsed after a hot and humid day of moving heavy boxes, and you'd be close.

In contrast, tonight's table fix was enjoyable. Yes, it helps that I didn't have to scrub grease off my hands (nothing wrong with that, but still), but repairing the drawer made me happy. Perhaps it's something about working with wood; I almost always enjoy woodworking, so that could be it.

Anyway, for anyone keeping track of such things, I didn't wear the tool belt tonight, but I did pull out my favorite small drill and my standard tool bag, and I sat underneath the island while I measured, drilled, and fixed the broken slide mounts. Imagine away, if you're into that sort of thing. :)